On January the 11th 2020, I had the honour of being invited to talk on psychological domination, by the FemDom legend and scene matriarch Madame Caramel. This happened at a lifestyle and professional Female Domination event that brought many enthusiasts of FemDom together in a relaxed and opulent setting.
Femdom High Tea & Play Party | International FemDom Ball
You may be a lifestyle couple or a Mistress and slave Either way, you must be a part of a couple to attend. or a…
Here is the text of my presentation below. Hope it elicits thoughts and debate.
Mind games. Hypnosis. Therapy & FinDom… all taboo words in the established FemDom community. Words that invoke silhouettes of unscrupulous, reprobate femme fatales preying on men in dark alleys of non-consent.
But then “normal” society already sees us, respectable traditional femdommes as reprobates anyway. Could it be these shadowy, newer areas of psychological female domination can be absorbed under the umbrella of informed consent?
I think so. I would like to take you on a tour of the psychosexual delicacies of psychological domination and its healing, enriching potential for those inclined to it.
The Nightingale and the Rose
From The Happy Prince and Other Tales (1888)
First I am going to tell you about a story that influenced me and my perception of romance and emotional masochism. It’s a short story where a young philosopher has unrequited love for a girl. She says she will dance with him at the ball if he produces a red rose. There isn’t any in sight. But a nightingale overhears and decides to sacrifice herself while singing to produce a most beautiful rose. Which the young man then takes, offers the girl. The girl rejects him; so he throws the rose in the dirt.
You can read the story — if you haven’t — here:
Oscar Wilde - The Nightingale and the Rose
"She promised she'd dance with me if I brought her a red rose," cried a young heart-broken student. "But there's not…
The reason I mention this is because love and femdom desires and emotional pain often intertwine. The story portrays a cruel girl and a man who loves her nevertheless. Something that often puzzles people, but which we on the FemDom scene are all too familiar with. Unrequited love is the bane of the submissive male. FemDom is about relationships, and they often aren’t easy. They open cans of worms. Instead of “rejecting drama”, and insisting on flawless superficiality in play, I invite darkness and psychodrama.
(Japanese): “to repair with gold”. The art of repairing pottery with gold lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.
I’d like to explain to you why I see female domination as Kintsugi.
In BDSM we like to present ourselves to the world as seasoned players perfectly in control of our risky desires. We like to believe everyone plays sane and is “drama free”.
The reality is BDSM and FemDom in my case presents us with vulnerable people. Broken souls. People in need of therapy. Who need not just the sexual titillation of femdom, but deeper care and attention.
Most dommes stay away from these people. I cherish them as a rare treat.
You don’t fix the sub; you patch the pieces together and make him work as he is, broken. The brokenness is what makes them unique and beautiful psychologically.
We forget that psychological perfection might be entirely boring.
In fact these subs’ stories, pain and emotional baggage is what makes them interesting. Not just interesting. But also compatible to us.
“To repair with gold”. The art of repairing people with femdom and understanding that the person is more beautiful for having been broken.
As a domme I want to play God. In a good way. I want to improve them and offer my insight to help them where they’re confused.. but with a purpose.
Let broken subs come to me.
Their suffering and scars are caused by the world. Broken families. Bad relationships. Traumatic childhood. And society then gaslights them, it doesn’t want them. They’re not dissimulated cookie cutter “flawlessness”. They are too needy. They demand love. They demand attention. To be fixed.
They’re made to feel incomplete and wrong. Society is very cruel to those who display neediness, although there’s nothing more natural and uniting than needing each other. So everyone goes around feigning self sufficiency to various levels for social approval. A social approval that never fills the void.
Neediness is particularly the bane of subs and even more so, broken subs. Subs with issues.
To a certain extent all subs are children, inside. To a certain level submissive sexuality is indicative of a child’s UNFULFILLED neediness on the parent. This type of uncomfortable exploration is revealed by the many types of taboo play, mommy kink, dominant mother and daddy, regression, .. a lot that is to do with the emotional bond between child and parent and mixed with feelings of nascent sexuality.
When I play therapist to my subs and serfs, I feel I am a mommy domme. I care and nudge them in the right direction. I don’t claim to be a psychiatrist or fixer for people with serious neurological problems.
All I seek to do is entangle complicated issues which FemDom and BDSM in general is unique in shedding light on.. which society has taught the submissive to think dirty, or abscond. Push down into the subconscious.
Bring clarity to subs who have been damaged by a society that tells them everything they are is wrong. Gaslit to think their unfulfillment is their fault.
I present myself as a lifestyle adviser for people of a sound mind whose brooding aimlessness is a rational response to the unfair hand they’ve been dealt in life.
All I aim to do as a mommy domme is undo the repression and suppression of natural human instinct which society has cultivated for a very long time.
It used to be in the name of religion, that bans all that is sexual to Hell. And now it is something else entirely… “let’s think of the kids”? “political control? Likely.
I preach a return to natural instinctual rapports. They tell the truth about who we really are.
Underneath the social mask we’re taught to wear in order to be accepted by our peers.
Of course, I do this for the sub. Because I care. Because I have the insight. I can see inside their soul and tell them truths about themselves that they did not know.
But I am a domme who centers the female in FemDom. I do this with my subs and serfs to make them into wonderful servants for myself.
I aim to build a team with me as leader that can do wonderful things. I cherish my kintsugi boys.
When you look so deep inside a man’s soul, a very special bond is born. They feel a gratitude and connection to you they never feel to anybody. The similar parallel would be patients falling for their psychiatrist. For the mirror they put in front of their mind.
With this very special and deep kind of bond comes a very long term attachment. You heel deep wounds, so they become yours. You can mold them into useful servants and peons in your stable.
In your Queendom.
I am a mommy domme who plays with the mind and the intellect of her subs. But eventually, I do it for selfish reasons. As we do all. I am enlivened and inspired by these bonds.
MENTAL ISSUES I DEAL WITH:
… Are mainly two: Mommy issues; and male ego.
Many male subs had a complicated relationship with their mother and are now seeking a surrogate mother. This is very freudian. It’s also very natural. We all build archetypes based on our parents so it makes sense that one of the archetypes we instinctually form in childhood is modeled on the parent of opposite sex.
I feel naturally like a mother figure to my subs. It doesn’t bother me that there is a more taboo aspect to the blending of parental yearning and sexual desire. It’s certainly different to actually fucking your mom.
This seems very common with the reverse sexes: like a daddy dom and little girl. It seems an accepted dynamic in society. The submissive female partner usually belittled by saying “she has daddy issues” as if having had a bad dad is somehow her fault. And seeking someone to fill in the emotional gap left by the parent is somehow bad. This is another instance of society gaslighting victims. Especially female victims.
But even with the counterpart there are issues. No man dares to expose his mommy issues in today’s world. It is social harakiri.
But every domme knows that deep inside every man there is a little boy and a boy’s first encounter with female dominance is the loving authority of their mother. Some take this further in adulthood; some don’t. If the mother is too lax in his upbringing, maybe he ends up more dominant himself. There is something to be said about dominant mothers forming submissive sons. I think that’s beautiful.
When a sub meets his mommy domme, the peace and conciliation runs deep.
That’s what elicits my sadistic bone. I feel motherly and protective but also cruel. This is what makes it kink rather than vanilla.
We all know that in kink you can be kind and cruel to your sub at the same time.
Many women are perhaps aware male ego is a huge general problem with the male population. I would say it ranges from acceptable levels to full on delusions of grandeur.
It’s funny, but even subs suffer with it. I perhaps more than others attract a great deal of male subs who cannot reconcile submission to a woman with the ego. They still define themselves as society’s ideal man: alpha, invulnerable, in control.
Well society cultivates this delusion. The men who fall short of it are considered pariah. Like gays were considered pariah until maybe 50 years ago or less.
I have a cure for male ego.
A lot of my treatment is just saying the truth.
It’s a longstanding historical problem that women have had to coddle and flatter male ego to survive. In sex work, this is even more so. Sex work is work so the customer is king so he’s even more entitled to hear lies about how great he is and how desired.
Psychological domination is probably the only instance I know where the man actually eroticises the low opinion you have of him.
Billing the man for telling him the truth. I assume many dommes do this and don’t even know it falls under the umbrella of femdom.
I grew up seeing my own mother destroying male ego with cutting wit and seeing them wither and fall in love despite it. I didn’t understand it then but I do now.
One example is: man drives a long distance to see me, penis in hand. He arrives at my feet and I simply tell him to put his penis away as I am not interested. He is not used to hear that as most women either genuinely are impressed with his cock or feign being. He feels attracted in a paradoxic way.
Women are generally geared towards sparing male feelings. I oppose that with my being. I think time has come for women to not be afraid to tell men the truth about their vulnerabilities.
Truth is a cold shower but one that allows growth. Nobody ever grows from being told lies.
The surprising thing is how many men are actually turned on by this type of attitude. I call it a castrating attitude. Emasculating. There are submissive men who sincerely get off to being belittled in a genuine sense.
Note that just because I tell them the truth of how I feel about them especially sexually.. does not mean I hate them. Some people confuse the two. It’s definitely not the same thing. In fact I like men. I just don’t seek their approval so I don’t lie and pander to their ego. In fact it turns me on to whip that ego. I turned emasculation into a profession.
There is mental humiliation.. but I offer them redemption too. If they want it and qualify for it.
I destroy and rebuild.
I tell them, they’re not that great, but here’s how you can improve.
The connections you form this way might not be to everyone’s taste but I can guarantee you they are more honest and durable in nature.
This brings me to another taboo subject I promised to talk about.
Findom fits very closely to what I relate above.
Financial domination might seem like it’s only about the money but it sits at the intersection of so many interesting topics.
People often judge findom by the extreme incompetent ends of it that are visible on Twitter. Girlies asking for KFC vouchers. That’s the unsuccessful end. Judge a category by its stellar members. No one judges conventional femdom by the mistress who ran to the media with a recording of her clients.
So why judge findom by the bankrupt end of it? There are dommes out there who have made it into a high art. Bardot Smith, Only Theodora, Violet Doll, Ceara Lynch are my favourites.
If you study the work of these dommes you see it as a very refined form of femdom art that touches deep on the psychological and therapeutic. Ceara Lynch, a world famous findomme has launched a successful mainstream movie where she toys with the idea of consent in findom and how it ultimately underpins the D/s interaction. Theodora talks about her background in psychology and therapy and uses her practice to foment very valuable relationships with her subs.
The interesting thing about findom is that it is probably the closest to being real femdom.
A lot of female domination in recent years has been subjected to the rules of the market and has become focused on catering to the client: that means a shift from centering the woman to centering the man and his sexual needs.
Well that’s not exactly female domination, is it? What puzzles me is that even in non professional femdom I see this trend. I follow some dominant women who write about their lifestyle journey who display a similar behaviour.
Findom is brilliant in doing away with that commercial power balance that favours the man. Reversing the customer provider power imbalance.
Financial domination means that instead of the sub having control over you because he pays you, you as the woman control him by his money. His money becomes from power over you under capitalism — a vulnerability. A successful findomme has identified the man’s weaknesses and enraptured him sexually and emotionally to such a degree that he isn’t in control of himself or his money anymore.
Of course a findomme can here totally bankrupt the male and throw him like a broken toy. Or she can cultivate this rapport for mutual benefit which in fact benefits her better on the long term. Why?
Because there is no long term benefit in a single use toy.
Whereas when you cultivate a long term serf (as I call slaves) then you benefit on the longer term.
I don’t believe in financial ruin and throwing people in debt. I don’t believe that I should as a domme devote myself fully to making sure the sub is well above all — either.
I treat my subs as I treat myself: with a reasonable expectation that they know best what’s good for them and that if they have instincts that require them to be financially used, then those instincts cannot be repressed. But they can be indulged in a healthy manner.
I mean this applies to everything. People like drinking. They can’t stop liking it. But they can stop themselves drinking to death.
People like spanking. No matter what they do the instinct doesn’t go away. BDSM desire is unique in that way. I don’t know anyone who can cure themselves of it. It’s simply who you are. But between repression and extreme depraved indulgence a healthy intelligent adult can find a balance.
I am available to help my subs find this balance and guide them as a mother figure, as a mentor and as a Goddess. But my goal always remains their worship of me.
I am not in this to save them from instincts that nature gifted them.
In fact I find the instinct itself very beautiful.
I think we can all relate to the fact that when our parents and friends want to help they help materially. Love and support is best expressed in material form. When a sub pays us, or sends money and gifts, he does it to support us. It is a genuine selfless act. The selflessness is what turns them on. It’s pure submissive feeling. Except instead of being expressed via physical pain, it is expressed through the abstract proxy of money. Putting the woman above their needs in a real world way. Which is very powerful.
Foregoing an indulgent luxury to send cash to their Goddess is a selfless beautiful act that every man should learn to do more often.
In capitalism money isn’t just a form of exchanging value, it also symbolises our time and labour and puts a price on our talents and time. When a man gives you money, he gives you a bit of himself. His talents, time, labour. So the money is a symbol for his real world valuation of you. It’s tangible. Real. There’s no bullshit about it.
Many subs like to write us words and compliments. I receive bombastic letters everyday. To me that doesn’t say they really value me or my work. They don’t part with anything. They don’t enhance my life in any way. It’s cheap to write an email, and often they expect your time in return for the nice words. We all know we have limited time.
But when a sub sends me even 50 gbp I know he is saying he supports me. He puts my wellbeing above an hour of labour (that’s if he is paid 50gbp an hour).
Financial domination is a deeply fascinating topic that showcases our relationship with each other through the proxy of money. And underpins the rich symbolism of money, an abstract entity which governs our lives.
This has historical roots too. Anyone read The History and arts of the Dominatrix? By Anne Nomis?
There were passages there about ancient goddesses like Innana receiving tributes in gold etc from acolytes. People have always tributed items of fiduciary value to those they hold in high esteem.
The finsub eroticizes this fact.
Some eroticise being totally ruined but that’s not something I specialise in.
Like I said, it’s not tenable on the long term.
When you find a good finsub, their attachment is much deeper. A kinkster is never truly heart and soul yours. He is just an occasional player. He doesn’t see you as a personal God.
A good finsub does. A good finsub will put his whole life in your service, a sacrifice symbolised by the money he gives which is a tangible proportion of his time and efforts. A good sub is a treasure. He will take you places. Help you accomplish your dreams.
A good finsub is an asset.
I take inspiration from old images of Queens and their serfs. I enjoy femdom as classical domination. Here is an excerpt from my popular essay on findom, FENDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS ON THE FEMDOM, ARTS:
“It’s powerful because biology. men have evolved to be providers. I believe most evolved to be dominant providers in a totally unbalanced power rapport between genders. Where women had to marry to secure a financial position. A proportion have evolved to be financial submissive providers: where they work to bring tribute to a figure of feminine authority. I believe if you read medieval literature you will find motives of knights and aristocrats serving the Queen similar to the discourse of contemporary FemDom. I remember from classic literature the noble/chaste romance knights carried in their heart for the Queen, while they crusaded. Isn’t that the root of at least one significant strain of FemDom?”
SEXUALITY SHEDS LIGHT ON DARKER AND DEEPER HUMAN REALITIES
Of course to the outside world we’re just perverts. Sex is considered low and abject. Shameful.
But every domme worth her salt knows that complicated social economic and even political issues surface with people’s darkest desires. Human sexuality and especially paraphilia (that is, kink) reveal relations of power in society and the way we evolved to bond to each other in unequal ways. To eroticise our respective inequality.
Kink shines a light on the dark reality of human nature, which is based on exploitation, hierarchies of power, abuse and oppression.
I would like to give an example.
Few years back, a nice man in a suit walked through my door asking for a specific roleplay. He wanted to be interrogated and blackmailed by his boss. A woman who held his destiny in her hands. In roleplay, he broke down and started to sob. If he lost this job, he said, he’d lose everything. The car, the new house. The wife and the kids. It sounded very real. This was no longer just playful kink. This man was undergoing a process of erotic catharsis of his real life economic entanglement.
He hated his job. But he over stretched. Made a few loans to enhance his family’s quality of life. But now it all hung by a thread. The wife made it clear she would leave if the luxurious lifestyle stopped. He was trapped in his job, which he hated. What’s more, this wasn’t a small time job, he was an executive of some sort. It really illuminated how seemingly powerful members of society are trapped financially.
The 2 hour psychological roleplay revealed to me how real and deep kink can be. Erotic desire is many things but one of them is just cleansing inner demons via eroticising them. A survival fix. An unconscious, primitive, natural one. That which scares you or hurts you, turn it into a turn on. Eroticising failure and real life fears is a common sight for a domme in the more mental aspects of femdom.
Many men eroticise their small penis and end up deriving pleasure from the humiliation of being told they are small… a successful strategy to cope with the fact that in nature, a small penis isn’t valued nor very useful.
BDSM if studied from a psychological academic perspective could illuminate on many aspects of human nature which are currently considered taboo. Consider the fact that we live in a politically correct world where all minorities are now given protected status and it is illegal to discriminate against any of them.. with the exception of kinky people and sex workers. All that is to do with the more animal, natural part of us is taboo, pariah. Have to ask yourselves why that is.. It certainly defies the idea that we live in very progressive, free times.
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ELARYN | Rogue psychology & mental femdom
Meet your maker | True Mistress of a highly refined psychosexual art. Noir storyteller.